


While You Were Busy Being Gay, I Studied the Blade

by Ahelpfulpeach



Series: She-Ra Canon Universe Stories [13]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Adora (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Adora gets a therapuetic emotional mentor relationship too, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Catradora is talked about extensively but Catra is not actually in this fic, Discussion of Sexual Subjects, F/F, References to Depression, Seven Layer Dip of Repression, very briefly implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24580852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahelpfulpeach/pseuds/Ahelpfulpeach
Summary: "Adora had been there too long. She knew it from the way the Bright Moon soldiers kept looking at her. She knew it from the way her legs shook and her arms ached. She knew herself well enough to know she’d long since reached her limit. But stopping, even for a second, meant thinking, and that meant panic, and Adora just wasn’t in the mood."Adora deals with the fact that she has desires, and that that is okay.
Relationships: Adora & Netossa & Spinnerella, Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Netossa/Spinnerella (She-Ra)
Series: She-Ra Canon Universe Stories [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1763977
Comments: 47
Kudos: 433





	While You Were Busy Being Gay, I Studied the Blade

**Author's Note:**

> This one is a pretty direct sequel to Playing Doubles. There’s an explanation in text of the stuff it references though, so it should be readable on its own!
> 
> For anyone keeping track of the timeline for this series, this takes place about 6 months post finale, a few days after Playing Doubles
> 
> Also, ENTIRELY unrelated, but Your Type by Carly Rae Jepsen is a perfect Catra POV, pre-Save the Cat Catradora song. Please give it a listen.

Adora had been there too long. She knew it from the way the Bright Moon soldiers kept looking at her. She knew it from the way her legs shook and her arms ached. She knew herself well enough to know she’d long since reached her limit. But stopping, even for a second, meant thinking, and that meant panic, and Adora just wasn’t in the mood.

She kept swinging the staff, kicking, anything to take her mind off, well, her mind. Her friends were busy, couldn’t distract her. Glimmer would be in meetings all day with Mermista and other representatives from Salineas, and Bow was sitting in. Most of the other princesses were at home, dealing with their own internal re-organization. And Catra and Perfuma were doing a meditation session.

So instead, Adora kept pummeling the shit out of the bag in front of her. Kept repeating the counts, the stances, over and over in her head. No space for internal monologue, forcing herself into the moment. Into the ache, into the strain. That’s what Perfuma had said, right? Stay in the moment, notice your body without judgment, then let those thoughts just slip by. And some other stuff. But that had to wait. That was too close to thinking. She’d forgotten what rep she was on.

“Dammit,” Adora gasped, striking once more, only to see the bag stop suddenly at the apex of its swing.

“Geez, what’d it do to you?” Netossa let it go, stepping around with a grin. A grin that faded when she got a good look at Adora’s face. Great. Any initial excitement Adora had about the older princesses’ surprise visit dropped into the growing feeling of dread in her stomach.

“Just-ah, getting my exercise in. You know.” Oxygen deprived as she was, Adora still knew the excuse wouldn’t work. Netossa was sharp, and she and Spinnerella had made a habit of checking in with her, even just for a few minutes, any time they were in Bright Moon. And usually Adora appreciated their talks, the matter-of-fact directness that still was delivered with kindness, the way they let her ramble her way through things. But right then, that sort of honesty was everything she was dreading.

“Mmmhm.” Yeah, no. This was not going to work. Netossa stared right through her, an eyebrow raised.

“You, uh, you guys want the bag?” Adora glanced over Netossa’s shoulder, giving Spinnerella, still doing warm ups a little ways away, a weak grin. Once she noticed, Spinnerella smiled right back, lifting a hand in a brief wave. Adora would have waved back if she didn’t need both hands on the staff to keep herself from falling.

“No, but _you_ need to stop before you break something.” Before Adora could protest, Netossa grabbed one of her hands to inspect it. Adora let out a pained hiss, nearly falling over before catching herself with her remaining hand.

“If you haven’t already. What’s going on, Adora?” The undisguised concern nearly broke her down. Almost.

“I just. You know. I’m just in my head. I don’t wanna bother you guys, with it, I’ll figure it out.”

“Spinny,” Netossa called, ignoring Adora’s protest, “Darling, you mind if we table this for later?”

Spinnerella rose, moving to join them, “Sure, what’s going on?”

“Nothing!” Adora winced at her own outburst, “Sorry. Nothing. Like I was just saying, I’m just a little caught up in my thoughts, that’s all.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Spinnerella’s voice, both of their faces, showed nothing but concern. They didn’t even seem upset their workout date or whatever was happening had been interrupted. Adora bit her lip, nervous.

“It’s just. A lot.”

“What, think we can’t handle it?” Netossa smiled, carefully letting go of Adora’s hand to place one on her shoulder, “Between the three of us, we’ll kick your anxiety’s ass. Just less literally.”

Laughing a little, Adora let herself nod. Not that she really thought she’d get away with saying nothing once Spinnerella was alerted. Either of them on their own was a force to be reckoned with, but when they were of one mind about something, well, even She-Ra wasn’t gonna stand up to that.

Back in the princesses’ quarters, Adora immediately flopped on the loveseat. Overly squishy beds were still a bit much, but Adora was pretty sure this particular piece of furniture was the comfiest thing in the universe, and no amount of assurance that, “Adora, it’s the same furniture set that _every_ guest room has,” would change her mind. This one was enchanted or broken in different or something.

Once she settled, wiggling her shoulders into the plush seat, legs flung over an armrest, Adora finally chanced a look at the others. They were lounging as well, like usual, both leaning on an armrest, legs tangled in the middle. At some point while she’d been getting comfortable, one of them had set an ice pack on the table, which Adora took with a mumbled, “Thank you.”

“Not a problem,” Netossa assured.

“What’s going on?” Spinnerella asked.

Adora shrugged, fidgeting with the ice, “That’s kinda the problem, I don’t really know.”

“Let’s start with the general category then,” she suggested, propping herself up a bit. Netossa mirrored her.

Nodding, Adora gathered her courage. She knew the two of them wouldn’t say anything to anyone, but it still felt weird, spilling her guts to anyone outside the Best Friend Squad. Often even within it. But she’d promised Bow a while back she’d work on taking care of herself. Plus, if she got anywhere, it would benefit Catra too. Steeling her nerves, she looked up. For Catra then.

“Uh, relationship stuff. Catra stuff.”

“Is there something wrong?” Netossa’s eyes narrowed, just a bit; Adora could almost picture the squirt bottle.

“No! No, actually things are good. Really good. Catra’s really doing well,” a soft smile blossomed, despite her anxiety, “I’m really proud of her. She’s working at the friend stuff and she actually seems to have a good time with Glimmer especially, but she’s even getting along with Bow!” For a moment, the worries seemed to fade, replaying their double date in her mind. Then she got to the end.

“But?”

Adora laughed weakly, “I… you know how we’ve been, uh, exploring things and each other and stuff?” Answering nods spurred her on.

“So. Uh. The other night, after the date, Catra said she felt like she was ready to do some- um. Do some below the belt stuff soon, not totally- like with something on still but yeah, and she asked if I wanted to. And I do! I think,” Adora ran a hand through her hair, knocking more strands loose from her ponytail, hoping her arm covered at least some of her blush, “But for some reason it also scared me, like, _really_ scared me. I froze and I felt like I was going to throw up.”

Adora paused, shame washing over her, continuing in almost a whisper, “It’s not even a new thought, not really, I mean I’ve thought about that and more before, but hearing it as an actual option in the actual world in the near future… I was so excited and so _terrified_.”

Adora felt herself withdrawing, sitting up a little, pulling her legs into herself, curling up. For a moment, she concentrated on rubbing her knee, just little circles with her thumb. She was relieved that the other two seemed to realize when she needed a moment, when to just wait. A few more circuits and she felt like she could talk again. Breathe again.

“I feel terrible. Not because I asked to wait really, Catra was so sweet about it, and she’s asked the same of me and that’s fine, hell, that’s good, we’re communicating and we can trust each other to respect boundaries. But just, all of it, it’s new and it’s great and it’s _good_ and everything feels wonderful and sometimes _that_ feels so wrong I can’t breathe. Not in the moment, but after or the next day or something.” Adora felt a fragile, broken noise escape her chest, almost a whimper. She could hear the women on the other couch shifting a little, facing her more fully. She couldn’t look. She could only catch her breath, let the words keep coming.

“I… I love that she wants me and loves me and tells me and shows me and I love doing the same for her. It’s everything I’d ever dared to hope for and more. And I feel like I shouldn’t have it, like it was never part of my destiny to have all of this,” Adora slowed, finally finding something concrete, turning it over in her head, “I was supposed to… to use the failsafe to save everyone, and the fact that I’m still here and everything is okay and my friends are all okay and I have Catra back and _she’s_ not dead on Prime’s ship right now feels like a dream that I keep moving through and not acknowledging because I want it to be real with every fiber of my being and _that_ feels… selfish.”

“You’re scared of being selfish?” Netossa asked, her voice too soft, too gentle. Tears that had been stinging in Adora’s eyes started to flow. She nodded with a hiccuping sob.

“It-it’s more than that. I’m not allowed. I _can’t_ want things. And maybe that’s stupid but it’s there and I can’t get rid of the feeling that if I get distracted everything is going to crash down around us and everyone is going to get hurt or killed and it’s going to be my fault because I couldn’t keep it together. I know it’s not true, mostly; there’s a place in my mind that says that we _are_ okay and things will be alright and that I should just enjoy it. I just don’t know how, and it’s even harder when everything else in there is shouting that I don’t deserve this and that it’s not real or that it’s all going to fall apart.”

Wiping her tears, Adora finally looked up at the other women, only able to shrug helplessly in the face of their concern, “People keep asking me what I want for myself, and I just don’t know. I don’t even really know how to begin to want things, or to figure out what those things are. Aside from, you know, wanting everyone to be safe and my friends to be happy, Catra’s the only thing I’ve wanted in as long as I can remember, and I want her _so much_. And having that want or knowing it's there or whatever is so new and so weird and taboo and fucking _wonderful_ I freeze up and get caught in a loop: I want her and she wants me and above that I want to want her and I want her to want me and I want her love and I want to be near her and I want to hold her and I want to touch her and I want to kiss her and I want to- to bring her pleasure and I want everything and I want her to want the same from me and that much fucking _desire_ all at once feels so. _Good_. And both the fact that I actually like wanting and everything I want makes me feel selfish and I don’t want to make Catra feel used and I don’t want to use her and… Yeah.”

Adora laughed bitterly, “So, apparently that’s what’s going on, to answer your question.”

“You said you know somewhere that the world isn’t going to fall apart,” Spinnerella started after a moment of silence, “What I didn’t hear you say was that you know it’s okay and good to want things. That it’s good for _you_ to want things.”

Adora couldn’t respond. She supposed she understood the concept, for others anyway. She didn’t think Catra was wrong for saying she wanted Adora, or for enjoying the feeling wanted by her. And by that logic, the same should apply to her. But she couldn’t even think it. That it was okay, much less that it was _good_. It was antithetical to everything she’d ever known.

And yet here she was. She wanted, and the world hadn’t ended. She wanted and was with the love of her life. She wanted and her friends were happy and everyone was safe. She felt good and happy and, at times, really horny, and everything about her life was better than it had _ever_ been. She wanted and she’d actually gotten what she’d wanted. Who she wanted.

“I- I don’t know if I _can_ say it, not yet anyw-”

“Try,” Netossa interrupted, “Say ‘It’s okay for me to want things. It’s good for me to want things’.”

Adora flinched, “I. Isn’t that weird?”

“Your girlfriend sits there and thinks at plants for a couple hours a week, how is this any weirder than that?”

Fair point.

Still, her body seemed to reject the idea. Of even thinking the phrases in their entirety. Especially with other people there. Adora squeezed her eyes shut, letting out a breath. Catra was making an effort. So could she.

“It’s-It’s okay for me to want things,” she swallowed hard, the next words coming out in a rush, “It’s good for me to want things.”

When Adora opened her eyes again, her heart was pounding, embarrassed, nervous, exhilarated, but she was still there, still on the comfiest piece of furniture in the universe. Nothing exploded, and Netossa and Spinnerella looked overjoyed and _proud_. Of _her_. Alongside the fluttering of her heart, a tiny spark of warmth bloomed, not quite a conviction, but a hope that things might actually be okay. That her desire was okay. Maybe. She stood shakily and slowly moved to the other couch where she was immediately enveloped in a hug she had _really_ needed.

“Thank you. For listening listening to all that, I know it was a lot.”

“We told you, we’re happy to talk whenever we come to Bright Moon.”

“Yeah,” Netossa grinned, “And what’d I say? We could handle it.”

Adora grinned back, if rather tiredly, “You were right. But still, thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Adora left their room feeling both exhausted and lighter than she had in a while. Sure, the fear lingered, but this was a start. She’d keep working on it. For Catra. For the whole Best Friend Squad. And for herself.

**Author's Note:**

> Am I projecting my desire for gay mentors on Adora? MAYBE. But ya know what, she deserves to have love and support from adultier adults who aren’t stuck in a pocket dimension inside another pocket dimension. Anyway, hope you enjoyed Adora rambling her way through a seven layer dip of repression and anxiety to realize having desires is normal and healthy.
> 
> Also, sorry for the mood whiplash between the title and actual content. This mainly happened because the original idea for the end of Playing Doubles was Catra being obviously DTF and Adora not quite getting it/being concerned she was projecting, and this was gonna be her explaining the situation and Netossa and Spinnerella were just gonna give her some sweet fluffy advice in this one. But then while I was finishing Playing Doubles it last night, I thought to myself, “Ya know what? Adora has been ignoring/distracting herself from/beating into submission her internal monologue and fears and stuff for too long. Time for it to no longer be a problem for FUTURE Adora and Catra, but rather PRESENT Adora and Catra.” But I kept the title from the original lighter concept because I thought it was hilarious and needed to be shared. 
> 
> Also just really wanted to explore this topic because it’s one a LOT of people, particularly queer folks, struggle with. It’s something I still struggle with. The idea that it’s okay and good to have desires and wants, and it’s something that I think the finale addressed beautifully with Mara’s final speech and Adora and Catra finally saving the world be acknowledging that they loved each other and that they wanted each other (a specific word choice during Catra’s breakdown, one I LOVE) and that they were choosing happiness and choosing each other instead of self sacrifice. But while we get the benefit of rewatching the show over and over and analyzing the music and animation to look at that theme, Adora does not, so this was her way of getting there.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! If you're on there, I'm also very active on Tumblr @ahelpfulpeach.


End file.
